You’ll Know…You’ll Just Know

I had the purest of intentions on my wedding day. I wanted to get married and I wanted to marry Henry.  It was a dream day full of the most joy I have ever felt in my life.  We were surrounded by the most important people in our lives.  It was a day of love to the fullest extent.

It wasn’t until a few years later that became aware of feeling differently about Henry.  When these moments rose up, they scared me and I would simply ignore them.  How could this be?  We met and married four year later and here I was a year or so later feeling…holy shit, feeling doubt? Things he used to do that I found cute or funny were no longer cute or funny to me.

The red flags began to wave very high during this time as I no longer wanted to be intimate with Henry. In some ways I just wanted to ignore what was happening but you just can’t out run the truth. I could not turn my head from this feeling. And when we were intimate, I just went through the motions so it would be over. I didn’t kiss him the same way, I didn’t look at him the same way, and I realized I didn’t love him the same way either.  What the hell was happening?

On several occasions Henry would ask me about my level of attraction toward him because he too was aware.  I lied. I flat out lied to him, and to me.  I was not being true to myself and I certainly was not speaking my truth. Who was I to speak my truth?  I was scared.  So scared of Henry’s reaction to all of this. So scared of the repercussions if I did tell him.  Fear…living in so much fear.  This is not a good space to be in.

Things became too comfortable, we took each other for granted and never really fully appreciated one another.  I felt as if I was always second choice to his work.  I was sick and tired of picking up after both of us, cooking, cleaning, just EVERYTHING.  I remember saying to myself a few times, ‘If this is how it’s going to be for the rest of my life, I’m in trouble.’ And I was.

And while there is much to discuss about my relationship with Henry PRE-wedding, I want to begin in the January of 2014.

Let’s go back, shall we?