MotherLover

Throughout my life, I have always tried to do the right thing, have the right job, live the right kind of life that appeared most of society was living, graduate college, score some jobs, work my way into and up the ladder of my career, then meet someone, get married, have kids, grow older, grow old and eventually transition from this lifetime.

Most of those things I mentioned above I have done, however, my marriage did not work out, which really was the best thing for me in the long run.  I was just not happy. However, I always thought I would have my own biological children.  If you know me, you know that is that is not the case. My ex-husband and I did not have them.

While I celebrate Mother’s Day because I have the most amazing mother in the world, it is still a day/weekend that brings heaviness to my heart and I have come to dread it.

I will never hear a child call me Mom and know I can turn around to see my own son or daughter looking back at me. It simply wasn’t in God’s plan for me in this lifetime.  And while I feel that I have surrendered to peace with this fact, it is still quite difficult for me at times.

I will never know what it feels like to love another human with 100% unconditional love. Some may say you can love your partner or spouse this way, but in my eyes, it is just not the same. I daydream and wonder about what it must be like to assist and help mold a child into a young adult allowing them to spread their wings and fly, all the while knowing I have their back, so to speak, no matter what.  Knowing I will never have the memories of raising a child through the good and tough times, through the laughter and the tears, through the trials and tribulations of growing up is what hurts my heart the most.

A child is truly an extension of you in tangible life form. I can only imagine what it must feel like to have this little person look up to you and want to be with you no matter what in those younger years. And how remarkable it must be to watch a child grow up into an adult.  I simply cannot imagine.

Yes, I have two fur babies whom I completely adore but it is just not the same. And there may be some who consider me to be the lucky one with no true commitment, so to speak. I have nothing holding me to an area and I can do whatever I want at any time.  And yes, this is nice but truthfully?  I would much rather trade places with you.

The tears I shed behind closed doors are my grieving battle scars. God has a plan for me, as she does for you, I just wish I had the road map. Do not feel as if these words are pity words.  Pity is what I am not seeking. I speak my truth from what my heart feels. My life is a result of the choices and decisions I have made.  The outcomes are the lessons I learn from so I can put one foot in front of the other each day.

Time to Lay it Down

Few really truly know me. Even less actually ‘get’ me.  And by getting me, I mean know the true essence of who I am, what I stand for, what I believe in…what makes me tick…on the soul level.

Perhaps I have not let many in to be able to fully reveal myself. I’m aware that I do this as a defense mechanism for fear of being judged, not accepted or approved of. I’ve struggled with this my entire life.

Throughout my life I’ve been a people pleaser; always seeking to make others happy so they are not disappointed in me.  This behavior occurred in my relationships ranging from family to friends to my ‘romantic’ relationships. I’ve recognized this pattern of behavior within myself a few years ago.  I’m aware of it, yet at times it still rears it’s ugly head to challenge me to break the pattern. I no longer want to care what others think of my choices, decisions, my way of thinking, my spiritual beliefs. I no longer want to care what others think of me.  I am no longer seeking approval for the choices and decisions I make for myself.  I always respect the opinions of others, however my feeling is if someone does not agree with something I say, do or feel, that is on them, that is not on me.  It is no longer a burden of responsibility that I am willing to carry as it has gotten too heavy to bear and I am laying it down.

I am a deeply sensitive being. Like a badge of honor, I wear my emotions on my sleeve for the world to see.  I not only feel what I feel, most times, I also feel what you feel. My heart overflows with a sense of responsibility to care for many; to be the Light that shines in your moment of darkness.  Yet, at times, I too seek to find that Light in my moments of darkness.

Behind the closed doors in the sacred sanctuary of my apartment I cry with you, I smile with you, I hurt with you and I laugh with you. Tears are shed…a release. Releasing the emotions that I feel, is such a good, healthy thing to do because I simply don’t want them to get rooted within me. Many do not understand this and many never will.

I am a positive, kind person who does my best to see the good in people and situations.  Having a positive perspective on life can be difficult at times as I am human, just like you.  I have my own dragons to slay and some just don’t understand this. I share my outlooks with others in hopes it will help them for a moment in their day and perhaps they will, in turn, pay it forward.  It only has to begin with one person.  My perspective is, if I help one person, animal, etc, it will have a ripple effect and the gesture is much grander in the big picture then in the actual moment.

The journey I have been on since I moved to North Carolina has not been easy.  It has been an introspective map leading me to have met the most beautiful people, experience amazing moments, and it has allowed me to find out who I am and what I want from my life. Now at forty-four years young, I am beginning to understand who I really am and what my soul’s purpose is.

As I move forward, one foot in front of the other, I grow into the human that I was meant to become in this lifetime. Not everyone will understand and that is okay.  At times, I don’t even understand and in those moments I pause, take a deep breath, ask for Guidance, trust and continue with my journey.

 

Bah, Bah Blacksheep

I’ve considered myself the black sheep in my immediate and extended family for many, many years.  I adore the only sibling I have…my brother, but we couldn’t be more different.  He sees things in black and white and I see things in every single shade of gray.  I would like to lump my three cousins into my sibling category.  And yet, even as the second oldest of the five of us, I still feel very odd woman out.

Everyone has thriving careers and has had them for many years.  Growing up, I remember having a knowing of what each one of them would do for a living. Art, politics, engineering, pharmacology…and then there was me. I entered college as a theater major and exited with a degree in Fashion Merchandising. Only to now be making a living in sales and fundraising.  It’s funny how that works out.

I was the last out of the five to get married at the ripe age of 38…and I am the first to get divorced at the riper age of 43.

While I know the choices that I have made within and about my marriage were and are the very best choices for me, I still cannot help but to feel I am such a disappointment to my family. A disappointment not just with this, but throughout my life with different choices I have made.  My parents are the most amazing, supportive people on the planet and quite frankly, the most important people in my life.  They have never uttered these words to me.

When you separate from someone and eventually divorce not only do you grieve and feel sadness but if your family members were close to your significant other, they will also be going through their own grieving process.  This was the case with both of my parents but more so with my dad. When I was home over Christmas and recently separated, I remember my dad being very sulky one evening.  He was quiet at the dinner table and then just went into the bedroom to watch the news.  There was definite tension and while I understood what was going on, I was feeling that my dad was just so not happy with me.  I walked into the bedroom and asked him what was wrong.  I knew he was sad.  Then with tears rolling down my cheeks, I asked the question…’Dad, are you disappointed in me?’ He told me no, he was not.  He was just very sad.  100% understandable.

These feelings I have about this situation are mine and my alone and I know I have to work them out and forgive myself for feeling this way.

As my teacher always says, ‘It’s an inside job.’