One Sweet Day

It was just the other day that I was laying out next to the pool, on a lounge chair under the sunny, blue sky in Costa Rica, when I decided to try a playlist from called 90’s Summer Hip Hop.  Upon hearing just the first song, I was immediately transported to another day and time in my life. A time when things just seemed so much easier, so much lighter, so much freer. My thoughts fired instantaneously to my high school friends and the 4 years that we had spent together, day in and day out.  When our biggest worries were passing exams, auditioning for musicals, trying out for sports, and what we were going on wear on dress down Fridays.

Looking back now, I realize the innocence of those moments in our lives that we shared with each other. It was a very precious time and the memories of those years continue to haunt my mind as I attempt to relive them on occasion, most specifically when I hear songs and music of our era.  For that is what truly takes me back and I can be shifted to a specific moment shared with my classmates from one song.

Even post graduation, those summers in between college semesters when most of us would go home, we would still hang out, go out, chill out  and just be with each other as much as possible.

And now, thanks to social media we’re able to stay in touch on a daily basis no matter where we live on this planet. We’ve had many reunions, 5-year, 10-year and so forth.  And even mini reunions for those who could make it out for a night. It’s truly amazing how when you’re with the beautiful souls of your youth, and aside from the body’s little signs of aging, it’s as if no time has passed.

We’ve lost several of our beloved classmates and friends over the years. Each time when I learn that a classmate has passed away, I simply cannot believe it. Weren’t we all just 16 years old wondering what we were going to wear to the school dance?  Such a moment happened in late 2016 upon receiving the shocking news that a good friend from high school passed away. It was a truly devastating time for all of us because it seemed so surreal. And it was.

While I have only shared this with a few people, for some reason, I’m being compelled and pushed to share it with all of you. Several months after my friend’s funeral, I was woken up from what felt like a very, VERY real dream experience.  What I was viewing in my dream state was crystal clear and I can still see it all playing out in my mind as I write this. Here we go:

In my dream, I was called to the hospital because of the news that my friend was awake and everything was okay.  I get to his hospital room and stand behind a group of people who were sobbing tears of joy because they could not believe the miracle that my friend was awake and walking around. As I was straining to see where he was in the room, the bathroom door all of a sudden opens and my friend walks out.  He looked just like himself but in a hospital gown.  I was still straining to see him over the heads of the other people standing in front of me when he saw me, opened his arms in a hug formation and gestured with his hands for me to come over and get a hug from him.  So I did.  And after the hug, he looks at me and said, ‘Oh my gosh, Stephanie, they’re playing the song. Look.’  As I turned to see what song was playing on the television at that moment in my dream, I was floored.  I heard the song in my dream…and then I woke up.

A few weeks after I experienced my dream, I’m in the car sharing my dream story with a friend when the song comes on the radio.  I just could not believe it. The synchronicity was crazy.

My dream was so life like, so real, that I knew it was a heaven sent message. As I said earlier, for whatever reason, I have had an urging and a nudge inside of me to share this over the past 24 hours.  Maybe someone out there needs to read this. Maybe someone out there needs to hear the song. Whatever the reason may be, I hope it brings someone out there peace in their heart.

 

Go With The Flow

It’s time to learn to go with the flow.  Let go of attempting to control situations in your life. How does one go about doing so? Honestly, it is not easy and it takes daily practice.  But once you release the need to control the outcome of something and relax into it, you will be surprised how quickly it comes to you.  And if not exactly what you were hoping for, it will be something better.

In any given situation between people, we are both the teacher and the student.  You’re in each other’s lives for a purpose and a time.  The poem, A Reason, Season or a Lifetime captures this beautifully. We are put on this planet, in this lifetime to learn lessons and grow.  Once you learn your lesson with a specific situation, a new opportunity may present itself to you and off you go leaving the old behind to continue fulfilling the lessons your soul needs to learn.

It’s never easy though.  As humans, we tend to live more in the future wondering, worrying, thinking…that darn thinking!  If we could only turn off the chatter (you actually can!). This will create nothing but angst and anxiety which is not something positive.  We also tend to want to control situations becoming attached to certain outcomes and therefore, that is all we can see as we trudge forward with blinders on.  This is fear based energy. You don’t want to be here.

Have you ever had a discussion with someone and you were attempting to recall a movie title and no matter how hard you concentrated at that moment and just kept thinking about it, the name of the movie never comes to you.  But then, five hours later as you’re brushing your teeth for bed, BOOM…the movie title encroaches upon your brain and you feel as if you’ve hit the jackpot.  We’ve all been there.  Why then did it come so easily to you five hours later and not in the moment when you were trying so hard to remember it?

You relaxed. You were going with the flow. That is why.

Put this into perspective in dealing with your life situations.  And if you’re finding you’re having trouble focusing on daily life activities, my suggestion to you would be to occupy your mind.  Just stay busy. Take all of that energy and focus it on your career, your family, working out, writing, anything to do with creativity also works very well. Do activities and be around people that bring you joy and happiness.  This is love based energy.  And where you want to be.

Remember, if things are meant to be, they will be.  Relax into it.

 

MotherLover

Throughout my life, I have always tried to do the right thing, have the right job, live the right kind of life that appeared most of society was living, graduate college, score some jobs, work my way into and up the ladder of my career, then meet someone, get married, have kids, grow older, grow old and eventually transition from this lifetime.

Most of those things I mentioned above I have done, however, my marriage did not work out, which really was the best thing for me in the long run.  I was just not happy. However, I always thought I would have my own biological children.  If you know me, you know that is that is not the case. My ex-husband and I did not have them.

While I celebrate Mother’s Day because I have the most amazing mother in the world, it is still a day/weekend that brings heaviness to my heart and I have come to dread it.

I will never hear a child call me Mom and know I can turn around to see my own son or daughter looking back at me. It simply wasn’t in God’s plan for me in this lifetime.  And while I feel that I have surrendered to peace with this fact, it is still quite difficult for me at times.

I will never know what it feels like to love another human with 100% unconditional love. Some may say you can love your partner or spouse this way, but in my eyes, it is just not the same. I daydream and wonder about what it must be like to assist and help mold a child into a young adult allowing them to spread their wings and fly, all the while knowing I have their back, so to speak, no matter what.  Knowing I will never have the memories of raising a child through the good and tough times, through the laughter and the tears, through the trials and tribulations of growing up is what hurts my heart the most.

A child is truly an extension of you in tangible life form. I can only imagine what it must feel like to have this little person look up to you and want to be with you no matter what in those younger years. And how remarkable it must be to watch a child grow up into an adult.  I simply cannot imagine.

Yes, I have two fur babies whom I completely adore but it is just not the same. And there may be some who consider me to be the lucky one with no true commitment, so to speak. I have nothing holding me to an area and I can do whatever I want at any time.  And yes, this is nice but truthfully?  I would much rather trade places with you.

The tears I shed behind closed doors are my grieving battle scars. God has a plan for me, as she does for you, I just wish I had the road map. Do not feel as if these words are pity words.  Pity is what I am not seeking. I speak my truth from what my heart feels. My life is a result of the choices and decisions I have made.  The outcomes are the lessons I learn from so I can put one foot in front of the other each day.