One Sweet Day

It was just the other day that I was laying out next to the pool, on a lounge chair under the sunny, blue sky in Costa Rica, when I decided to try a playlist from called 90’s Summer Hip Hop.  Upon hearing just the first song, I was immediately transported to another day and time in my life. A time when things just seemed so much easier, so much lighter, so much freer. My thoughts fired instantaneously to my high school friends and the 4 years that we had spent together, day in and day out.  When our biggest worries were passing exams, auditioning for musicals, trying out for sports, and what we were going on wear on dress down Fridays.

Looking back now, I realize the innocence of those moments in our lives that we shared with each other. It was a very precious time and the memories of those years continue to haunt my mind as I attempt to relive them on occasion, most specifically when I hear songs and music of our era.  For that is what truly takes me back and I can be shifted to a specific moment shared with my classmates from one song.

Even post graduation, those summers in between college semesters when most of us would go home, we would still hang out, go out, chill out  and just be with each other as much as possible.

And now, thanks to social media we’re able to stay in touch on a daily basis no matter where we live on this planet. We’ve had many reunions, 5-year, 10-year and so forth.  And even mini reunions for those who could make it out for a night. It’s truly amazing how when you’re with the beautiful souls of your youth, and aside from the body’s little signs of aging, it’s as if no time has passed.

We’ve lost several of our beloved classmates and friends over the years. Each time when I learn that a classmate has passed away, I simply cannot believe it. Weren’t we all just 16 years old wondering what we were going to wear to the school dance?  Such a moment happened in late 2016 upon receiving the shocking news that a good friend from high school passed away. It was a truly devastating time for all of us because it seemed so surreal. And it was.

While I have only shared this with a few people, for some reason, I’m being compelled and pushed to share it with all of you. Several months after my friend’s funeral, I was woken up from what felt like a very, VERY real dream experience.  What I was viewing in my dream state was crystal clear and I can still see it all playing out in my mind as I write this. Here we go:

In my dream, I was called to the hospital because of the news that my friend was awake and everything was okay.  I get to his hospital room and stand behind a group of people who were sobbing tears of joy because they could not believe the miracle that my friend was awake and walking around. As I was straining to see where he was in the room, the bathroom door all of a sudden opens and my friend walks out.  He looked just like himself but in a hospital gown.  I was still straining to see him over the heads of the other people standing in front of me when he saw me, opened his arms in a hug formation and gestured with his hands for me to come over and get a hug from him.  So I did.  And after the hug, he looks at me and said, ‘Oh my gosh, Stephanie, they’re playing the song. Look.’  As I turned to see what song was playing on the television at that moment in my dream, I was floored.  I heard the song in my dream…and then I woke up.

A few weeks after I experienced my dream, I’m in the car sharing my dream story with a friend when the song comes on the radio.  I just could not believe it. The synchronicity was crazy.

My dream was so life like, so real, that I knew it was a heaven sent message. As I said earlier, for whatever reason, I have had an urging and a nudge inside of me to share this over the past 24 hours.  Maybe someone out there needs to read this. Maybe someone out there needs to hear the song. Whatever the reason may be, I hope it brings someone out there peace in their heart.

 

Time to Lay it Down

Few really truly know me. Even less actually ‘get’ me.  And by getting me, I mean know the true essence of who I am, what I stand for, what I believe in…what makes me tick…on the soul level.

Perhaps I have not let many in to be able to fully reveal myself. I’m aware that I do this as a defense mechanism for fear of being judged, not accepted or approved of. I’ve struggled with this my entire life.

Throughout my life I’ve been a people pleaser; always seeking to make others happy so they are not disappointed in me.  This behavior occurred in my relationships ranging from family to friends to my ‘romantic’ relationships. I’ve recognized this pattern of behavior within myself a few years ago.  I’m aware of it, yet at times it still rears it’s ugly head to challenge me to break the pattern. I no longer want to care what others think of my choices, decisions, my way of thinking, my spiritual beliefs. I no longer want to care what others think of me.  I am no longer seeking approval for the choices and decisions I make for myself.  I always respect the opinions of others, however my feeling is if someone does not agree with something I say, do or feel, that is on them, that is not on me.  It is no longer a burden of responsibility that I am willing to carry as it has gotten too heavy to bear and I am laying it down.

I am a deeply sensitive being. Like a badge of honor, I wear my emotions on my sleeve for the world to see.  I not only feel what I feel, most times, I also feel what you feel. My heart overflows with a sense of responsibility to care for many; to be the Light that shines in your moment of darkness.  Yet, at times, I too seek to find that Light in my moments of darkness.

Behind the closed doors in the sacred sanctuary of my apartment I cry with you, I smile with you, I hurt with you and I laugh with you. Tears are shed…a release. Releasing the emotions that I feel, is such a good, healthy thing to do because I simply don’t want them to get rooted within me. Many do not understand this and many never will.

I am a positive, kind person who does my best to see the good in people and situations.  Having a positive perspective on life can be difficult at times as I am human, just like you.  I have my own dragons to slay and some just don’t understand this. I share my outlooks with others in hopes it will help them for a moment in their day and perhaps they will, in turn, pay it forward.  It only has to begin with one person.  My perspective is, if I help one person, animal, etc, it will have a ripple effect and the gesture is much grander in the big picture then in the actual moment.

The journey I have been on since I moved to North Carolina has not been easy.  It has been an introspective map leading me to have met the most beautiful people, experience amazing moments, and it has allowed me to find out who I am and what I want from my life. Now at forty-four years young, I am beginning to understand who I really am and what my soul’s purpose is.

As I move forward, one foot in front of the other, I grow into the human that I was meant to become in this lifetime. Not everyone will understand and that is okay.  At times, I don’t even understand and in those moments I pause, take a deep breath, ask for Guidance, trust and continue with my journey.