Fear

It’s because I listened to that voice from within and that knowing sensation I felt in my gut, that I was able to make a life changing decision to follow my heart and all of the signs the Universe was bestowing upon me, and I packed up and moved to Costa Rica in September 2017.  It was something that prior to me visiting there for a five-day vacation in early August 2017, that I was not planning…like…at all.  I knew I wanted to move somewhere and all I kept telling the Universe was wherever I moved to, I had to be very close to water and nature.  It was as if I placed a direct order with the Universe.  It was a vacation that forever changed me.  I knew within the first four hours of standing on the beach in Dominical, that I was supposed to be here…permanently. And I made it happen in forty-four days.

I am telling you this story because had I not listened to my heart’s desire, had I not heard every download from the Universe and flat out not watched for every single sign screaming at me that this was the right thing to do, I would have succumb to the fear that was just one step behind my every two steps forward.  And I would be miserable living a life that I knew I did not really want anymore living in a country that I continued to feel separate from and I would not BE my true, authentic self.

Fear is the one emotion that can cause you to simply stop moving forward with anything in your life. Often too many cave into it.  Fear of the unknown; Fear of the what-ifs. There is the constant worry about the future, as in, things that have not even taken place yet…and this means they are not real. So why are we worrying about them now?

Fear can hold you back from your dreams and doing what your soul yearns to do in this lifetime. Learning to trust what you know to be right for you can and will propel you forward. The more you are able to recognize the fear you hold within, the more you are able to release this emotion from your system(s). And soon you will become, fearless.  You just have to believe in yourself, if you don’t who will?

 

Stephanie is a psychic empath (amongst other things) who offers reading and coaching sessions worldwide. If you’re interested in having a reading with her, please click here to schedule an appointment.

 

Twin Flame or Soulmate

The twin flame relationship. Many may have heard about it but do you really truly know and understand what the twin flame relationship is all about? Is it similar to the soulmate relationship?

This kind of relationship is the ultimate relationship to have in your lifetime but many people have no idea just how insanely difficult and upsetting a twin flame relationship can be.

Time and time again, I am asked by clients if their partner is their twin or when they will meet their twin flame. Being in a twin flame relationship with someone can be one of the most rewarding,most intimate, passionate experiences we can have as a human. Yet, it can also be one of the most challenging and painful relationships to encounter through all of the different phases.

People can encounter their twin flame over many different lifetimes and not come together because one or both souls are not vibrating at a high enough frequency to be able to come together and do the work necessary to make this relationship an amazing, unconditional love union based on service.

Can your twin flame also be a soulmate?  Yes, however, unlike soulmates which are our perfect match, twin flames are our perfect mirror.  Your twin flame is a mirror and direct reflection of issues your ego is dealing with that will rise up to the surface for you work through and heal in order for you to move forward in the relationship.  These may be issues that even stem from childhood. Either way the twin flame relationship is intensely passionate, can be on again, off again and at times can also be very painful.

I believe that we have many soulmates in our lifetimes.  It is not just one person and the soulmate relationship is not always an intimate, romantic relationship.  Your soulmate(s) can be a family member, best friend, lover…really anyone you have a significant connection with or anyone who you feel bonded to. A soul mate will help you grow in life, and will help you evolve and grow into your true self. (rebelcircus)

A twin flame shares many similarities with a soulmate. A twin flame can also be your soulmate, but to a more extreme level. According to thespiritscience.net, twin flames derive from the same soul, and are separated into two when they are created. Often times, people believe two twin flames are halves that make up one whole, however upon splitting, they become their own soul.

 

‘I Believe My Future is Bigger Than My Past’

I do believe my future is bigger than my past.  As soon as I heard these words spoken by Steve Gleason in his documentary titled, Gleason, it struck a chord within me. There are so many times in life when we are so hyper-focused upon the mistakes we have made.  We focus upon our failed relationships, our lost opportunities and the should’ves, could’ves, would’ves.

Little do most people know that those moments in life when we feel our failures will completely ruin us, they can actually be blessings in disguise.  Did you ever stop to think that maybe a relationship failed because growth was completed by both people involved and a better, healthier relationship was waiting for each?  Each person experienced what they needed to in the relationship and now it was time to move on.  Or perhaps a lost opportunity was a door closing and even though it was horrendous to experience and go through, little did you know an amazing and more fulfilling opportunity was just around the corner.

It’s okay to live in the past for the sake of recognizing the lesson each situation you’ve experienced has provided for you and even to be grateful for those lessons. It’s why you’ve had those experiences, although at the time, when you’re going through it, it is the last thing you’re thinking about. The moments when you’re in it so deeply, you don’t even know what the light looks like at the end of the tunnel as you dig your way out of the darkness. You see, that’s the thing…that darn light.  In the moments of rock bottom, just see it, envision that light.  Even if the light that shines through for you is simply the size of a pinhole, at least it is there.  Truth?  It’s always been there because it resides within you. Once you begin to realize this, it makes putting one foot in front of the other a bit easier.

I believe my future is bigger than my past because I refuse to allow my past to define the direction of where I want to go in my life, who I want to have along for the journey, and the opportunities I have yet to experience.  Society tells us that you have to have your successes accomplished within a specific age range and I just don’t agree with that.  There is still much love to give and to receive, there is much that has yet to be accomplished, there is much to see, there is a lot of life to be lived and yes, there are even more lessons to be learned.

What we do need to take away from our past is what we have learned and to recognize the growth that has occurred. Use those lessons to be more aware of the actions you take moving forward so you’re able to make the right decisions for yourself to enjoy deeper, more fulfilling experiences.

Time to Lay it Down

Few really truly know me. Even less actually ‘get’ me.  And by getting me, I mean know the true essence of who I am, what I stand for, what I believe in…what makes me tick…on the soul level.

Perhaps I have not let many in to be able to fully reveal myself. I’m aware that I do this as a defense mechanism for fear of being judged, not accepted or approved of. I’ve struggled with this my entire life.

Throughout my life I’ve been a people pleaser; always seeking to make others happy so they are not disappointed in me.  This behavior occurred in my relationships ranging from family to friends to my ‘romantic’ relationships. I’ve recognized this pattern of behavior within myself a few years ago.  I’m aware of it, yet at times it still rears it’s ugly head to challenge me to break the pattern. I no longer want to care what others think of my choices, decisions, my way of thinking, my spiritual beliefs. I no longer want to care what others think of me.  I am no longer seeking approval for the choices and decisions I make for myself.  I always respect the opinions of others, however my feeling is if someone does not agree with something I say, do or feel, that is on them, that is not on me.  It is no longer a burden of responsibility that I am willing to carry as it has gotten too heavy to bear and I am laying it down.

I am a deeply sensitive being. Like a badge of honor, I wear my emotions on my sleeve for the world to see.  I not only feel what I feel, most times, I also feel what you feel. My heart overflows with a sense of responsibility to care for many; to be the Light that shines in your moment of darkness.  Yet, at times, I too seek to find that Light in my moments of darkness.

Behind the closed doors in the sacred sanctuary of my apartment I cry with you, I smile with you, I hurt with you and I laugh with you. Tears are shed…a release. Releasing the emotions that I feel, is such a good, healthy thing to do because I simply don’t want them to get rooted within me. Many do not understand this and many never will.

I am a positive, kind person who does my best to see the good in people and situations.  Having a positive perspective on life can be difficult at times as I am human, just like you.  I have my own dragons to slay and some just don’t understand this. I share my outlooks with others in hopes it will help them for a moment in their day and perhaps they will, in turn, pay it forward.  It only has to begin with one person.  My perspective is, if I help one person, animal, etc, it will have a ripple effect and the gesture is much grander in the big picture then in the actual moment.

The journey I have been on since I moved to North Carolina has not been easy.  It has been an introspective map leading me to have met the most beautiful people, experience amazing moments, and it has allowed me to find out who I am and what I want from my life. Now at forty-four years young, I am beginning to understand who I really am and what my soul’s purpose is.

As I move forward, one foot in front of the other, I grow into the human that I was meant to become in this lifetime. Not everyone will understand and that is okay.  At times, I don’t even understand and in those moments I pause, take a deep breath, ask for Guidance, trust and continue with my journey.

 

Trolling

Being back in Tennessee with Henry was a nightmare.  I felt like I was constantly looking over my shoulder.  Henry would leave for work and then my mind wanted to know if there were there cameras in the house viewing my every move.  Paranoia was rearing its ugly head.  In my mind, I deserved to feel this way, but that didn’t stop me.  I continued to stay in touch with Mark.  It was nothing major but just knowing he was there to listen made me feel better.  I was fueling the fire for Henry to not trust me.  I know it was wrong, I do, but at the time I just didn’t care. I was in pure survival mode for my mental and emotional state.

Paranoia for Henry also set in as he came to me one morning before work and asked to see my phone.  You see, he had mentioned to me how a friend of his, who also cheated on his girlfriend, would allow his girlfriend to go through his phone and computer trolling through Facebook, phone calls received, phone calls dialed, etc.  You get the picture.  Henry presented this idea to me several times to which I ignored.  Until that morning when he bolted into the bedroom and demanded to see my phone and email.  My heart was pounding.  I was scared, I won’t lie.  Not of Henry, but of the possibility of him kicking me out.  I had no where to go and no money at the moment to leave. The phone numbers that I did not recognize, he would call to see who was on the other end.  He listened to voicemail messages, read emails and Facebook messages.  Then he flipped his lid when he noticed a post on Facebook…from Mark.  Just a post on his wall but nonetheless.   He could not believe we were friends on Facebook and asked me to immediately end it.  So I did.  Henry left for work.  I got in the shower and cried.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It was during this time that I enrolled in certification for level 1 class in something brand new to me, Reiki.  Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by “laying on hands” and is based on the idea that an unseen “life force energy” flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. If one’s “life force energy” is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy (reiki.org).  During this long weekend of meditation, tears, and connecting with other women who I know were placed in this class on purpose via Source, I believe I have found something much grander than me.  This was the beginning of me being aware that I was indeed on my spiritual awakening journey toward enlightenment and it has forever metamorphosed me into the person I am today and into the spiritual being I strive to become.  The reiki shares my teacher would hold became my social outlet and my way to decompress from the intense stress I was dealing with on a daily basis.  I really believe it saved my life.



Change is Coming: January 2014-October 2014

To Tennessee.

Where we knew no one.

Henry moved first to begin his job and I soon followed.  I was not yet 24 hours in lovely, hot Tennessee when at the pool, enjoying a relaxing day, Henry tells me that he thinks he made a mistake and is going to start looking for a new job elsewhere…preferably something a bit closer to home.

What the fuck?  Did he really say what I thought he did?  Did I NOT just move a couple hundreds of miles from everything and everyone that I knew; from a great paying job, from EVERYTHING?!  I’ve barely had one sleep in Tennessee and this bomb gets dropped on me.

I was not happy. In my mind, I gave up everything for him to move here.  In my mind, I was the one who sacrificed more.

Yes, this is all true but as time ticked along I came to learn that his employer did pull a fast one on him. Henry despised his job and from that point on, he was on what felt like the never-ending job search. A part of me felt bad for him.  The other part of me told him to suck it up.  This is what he initially wanted and he had to make the best of it. At times I felt guilty for being so hard on Henry about the move and his job. I wasn’t being the supportive wife. I was starting to be the resentful wife.

We shared several months together exploring what the new area had to offer and we did have good times too.  We laughed, we went out to eat – stuff like that.  Most of our time was spent eating dinner, on table trays in front of the television. There was not too much conversation going on and I’m not sure why.  I knew I was becoming increasingly unhappy and I was trying my best to not let it shine through.  But some things you just can’t hide.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I continued to work for my employer from home until the end of summer at which time I applied for and got unemployment compensation while looking for a permanent job in Tennessee.  Summer faded into autumn and I had the opportunity to go to Los Angeles, all expenses paid, to work for one week at a trade show.  My best friend, Tara presented me with this, I talked it over with Henry and off to L.A. I went.

Little did I know this trip would change my life forever.

You’ll Know…You’ll Just Know

I had the purest of intentions on my wedding day. I wanted to get married and I wanted to marry Henry.  It was a dream day full of the most joy I have ever felt in my life.  We were surrounded by the most important people in our lives.  It was a day of love to the fullest extent.

It wasn’t until a few years later that became aware of feeling differently about Henry.  When these moments rose up, they scared me and I would simply ignore them.  How could this be?  We met and married four year later and here I was a year or so later feeling…holy shit, feeling doubt? Things he used to do that I found cute or funny were no longer cute or funny to me.

The red flags began to wave very high during this time as I no longer wanted to be intimate with Henry. In some ways I just wanted to ignore what was happening but you just can’t out run the truth. I could not turn my head from this feeling. And when we were intimate, I just went through the motions so it would be over. I didn’t kiss him the same way, I didn’t look at him the same way, and I realized I didn’t love him the same way either.  What the hell was happening?

On several occasions Henry would ask me about my level of attraction toward him because he too was aware.  I lied. I flat out lied to him, and to me.  I was not being true to myself and I certainly was not speaking my truth. Who was I to speak my truth?  I was scared.  So scared of Henry’s reaction to all of this. So scared of the repercussions if I did tell him.  Fear…living in so much fear.  This is not a good space to be in.

Things became too comfortable, we took each other for granted and never really fully appreciated one another.  I felt as if I was always second choice to his work.  I was sick and tired of picking up after both of us, cooking, cleaning, just EVERYTHING.  I remember saying to myself a few times, ‘If this is how it’s going to be for the rest of my life, I’m in trouble.’ And I was.

And while there is much to discuss about my relationship with Henry PRE-wedding, I want to begin in the January of 2014.

Let’s go back, shall we?

My Story

It is through my life journey that I will be able to reach others who might be experiencing similar situations. I hope every woman in the world knows her self-worth, above all else, is what is most important. It is then & only then that true happiness can exist because it starts within you first.

The stories I share with you are from my perspective & personal experiences as seen through my eyes and told through my voice. Names & places have been changed to protect the innocent.

Please be sure to start where all journeys do…from the beginning.  There is still more to write on the story of how I left my husband. Be sure to check back.

http://embracingurself.blogspot.com/