Me, Myself and I – The Three Most Important People in Your Life

Self-worth.  The loss of it can have dramatic effects on how people view themselves in relationships and can often lead to being ‘stuck’ in unhealthy relationships from verbal and mental abuse, to physical and emotional abuse.  I’m going to be talking about women in this post because the majority of questions I get from my work as a Spiritual Advisor with PsychicTXT  are from women…mainly those in their twenties and thirties.

The questions I get from them are mostly about romance and the men they currently have or want in their lives. And each time I read a question from someone to help provide them with guidance, it truly pains my heart.  It takes all of my will to not reach through my cell phone to them to just hug and hold them.  Somewhere along the way they have lost their self-worth which truly is a sense of your value or worth as a person.  What I find happening is they are putting all of their energy into relationships and men who are not for their Highest Good.  The women feel if it is not this person then there will be no other man on the planet, in this lifetime, who will want them.  They are putting their value and worth in the opinion, the actions and words of the other person in the relationship.  This is not healthy and a guaranteed one way ticket to co-dependency.

I encounter many women in relationships whose boyfriend, spouse, or partner is treating them poorly and/or cheating on them. And I am asked if the guy will come back to them or what they have done to make the guy do these things (because heaven forbid someone take responsibility for their actions/words).  These relationships are making women question everything about themselves and why they are not good enough in the eyes of their partner. And it breaks my heart.

It all begins with self-love.  Self-love is the big trunk of the tree with self-worth, self-care, self-empowerment and all of the other selves being the branches that stretch out from the trunk.  The trunk needs to be solid with a firm foundation for the branches of the tree to survive.  If the foundation is not solid, the tree may crumble and take quite a long time to heal and become whole again.

How does one go about practicing self-love? My mom told me once, there are only three people I need be concerned with and that is Me, Myself and I. I will never forget her telling me this.  Although I learned many lessons from my personal experience, these three people always stay close to me…because Me, Myself and I IS me.

Setting boundaries in ALL relationships is one of the factors that go into self-love.  It’s important to do this so people know where you stand with them and they do not walk all over you. At times it is difficult to set boundaries (especially with loved ones) but once they are set (and limits will be tested in some cases), it’s important adhere to them.

Remember this, you teach people how to treat you from day one of an encounter.  If you allow someone to walk all over you from the beginning, they will continue to do so because you have not set the boundary with them. If you constantly give, give, give in the beginning of a relationship and are not receiving anything in return (an energy exchange), you will get burned out or worse yet, continue to give because that’s what’s expected from you. I have been there to the point of which something had to give or I was going to crack.  I had nothing left to give the person I was in a relationship with at the time and ended the relationship because I was no longer giving to myself.  Who was more important in this relationship?  Me.

If this sounds like you, I ask you this.  Get a notebook or journal.  Write down ten ways you will practice self-love. If ten is too many, do five.  Here are a few examples of ways you can practice self-love:

  1. Take time for rest and relaxation
  2. Buy yourself flowers
  3. Treat yourself to a massage
  4. Organize something you have been putting off (organization helps reduce stress which is self love)
  5. Light candles, put on your favorite music and cozy up with a great book

These are pretty easy things you can do for yourself that do not cost a lot of money.

If you are interested in learning more about how I can assist you via coaching in practicing self-love with my creation of the Exploration of the Selves, touch base with me at my website: www.StephanieDeni.com

‘I Believe My Future is Bigger Than My Past’

I do believe my future is bigger than my past.  As soon as I heard these words spoken by Steve Gleason in his documentary titled, Gleason, it struck a chord within me. There are so many times in life when we are so hyper-focused upon the mistakes we have made.  We focus upon our failed relationships, our lost opportunities and the should’ves, could’ves, would’ves.

Little do most people know that those moments in life when we feel our failures will completely ruin us, they can actually be blessings in disguise.  Did you ever stop to think that maybe a relationship failed because growth was completed by both people involved and a better, healthier relationship was waiting for each?  Each person experienced what they needed to in the relationship and now it was time to move on.  Or perhaps a lost opportunity was a door closing and even though it was horrendous to experience and go through, little did you know an amazing and more fulfilling opportunity was just around the corner.

It’s okay to live in the past for the sake of recognizing the lesson each situation you’ve experienced has provided for you and even to be grateful for those lessons. It’s why you’ve had those experiences, although at the time, when you’re going through it, it is the last thing you’re thinking about. The moments when you’re in it so deeply, you don’t even know what the light looks like at the end of the tunnel as you dig your way out of the darkness. You see, that’s the thing…that darn light.  In the moments of rock bottom, just see it, envision that light.  Even if the light that shines through for you is simply the size of a pinhole, at least it is there.  Truth?  It’s always been there because it resides within you. Once you begin to realize this, it makes putting one foot in front of the other a bit easier.

I believe my future is bigger than my past because I refuse to allow my past to define the direction of where I want to go in my life, who I want to have along for the journey, and the opportunities I have yet to experience.  Society tells us that you have to have your successes accomplished within a specific age range and I just don’t agree with that.  There is still much love to give and to receive, there is much that has yet to be accomplished, there is much to see, there is a lot of life to be lived and yes, there are even more lessons to be learned.

What we do need to take away from our past is what we have learned and to recognize the growth that has occurred. Use those lessons to be more aware of the actions you take moving forward so you’re able to make the right decisions for yourself to enjoy deeper, more fulfilling experiences.

Time to Lay it Down

Few really truly know me. Even less actually ‘get’ me.  And by getting me, I mean know the true essence of who I am, what I stand for, what I believe in…what makes me tick…on the soul level.

Perhaps I have not let many in to be able to fully reveal myself. I’m aware that I do this as a defense mechanism for fear of being judged, not accepted or approved of. I’ve struggled with this my entire life.

Throughout my life I’ve been a people pleaser; always seeking to make others happy so they are not disappointed in me.  This behavior occurred in my relationships ranging from family to friends to my ‘romantic’ relationships. I’ve recognized this pattern of behavior within myself a few years ago.  I’m aware of it, yet at times it still rears it’s ugly head to challenge me to break the pattern. I no longer want to care what others think of my choices, decisions, my way of thinking, my spiritual beliefs. I no longer want to care what others think of me.  I am no longer seeking approval for the choices and decisions I make for myself.  I always respect the opinions of others, however my feeling is if someone does not agree with something I say, do or feel, that is on them, that is not on me.  It is no longer a burden of responsibility that I am willing to carry as it has gotten too heavy to bear and I am laying it down.

I am a deeply sensitive being. Like a badge of honor, I wear my emotions on my sleeve for the world to see.  I not only feel what I feel, most times, I also feel what you feel. My heart overflows with a sense of responsibility to care for many; to be the Light that shines in your moment of darkness.  Yet, at times, I too seek to find that Light in my moments of darkness.

Behind the closed doors in the sacred sanctuary of my apartment I cry with you, I smile with you, I hurt with you and I laugh with you. Tears are shed…a release. Releasing the emotions that I feel, is such a good, healthy thing to do because I simply don’t want them to get rooted within me. Many do not understand this and many never will.

I am a positive, kind person who does my best to see the good in people and situations.  Having a positive perspective on life can be difficult at times as I am human, just like you.  I have my own dragons to slay and some just don’t understand this. I share my outlooks with others in hopes it will help them for a moment in their day and perhaps they will, in turn, pay it forward.  It only has to begin with one person.  My perspective is, if I help one person, animal, etc, it will have a ripple effect and the gesture is much grander in the big picture then in the actual moment.

The journey I have been on since I moved to North Carolina has not been easy.  It has been an introspective map leading me to have met the most beautiful people, experience amazing moments, and it has allowed me to find out who I am and what I want from my life. Now at forty-four years young, I am beginning to understand who I really am and what my soul’s purpose is.

As I move forward, one foot in front of the other, I grow into the human that I was meant to become in this lifetime. Not everyone will understand and that is okay.  At times, I don’t even understand and in those moments I pause, take a deep breath, ask for Guidance, trust and continue with my journey.

 

Change is Coming: January 2014-October 2014

To Tennessee.

Where we knew no one.

Henry moved first to begin his job and I soon followed.  I was not yet 24 hours in lovely, hot Tennessee when at the pool, enjoying a relaxing day, Henry tells me that he thinks he made a mistake and is going to start looking for a new job elsewhere…preferably something a bit closer to home.

What the fuck?  Did he really say what I thought he did?  Did I NOT just move a couple hundreds of miles from everything and everyone that I knew; from a great paying job, from EVERYTHING?!  I’ve barely had one sleep in Tennessee and this bomb gets dropped on me.

I was not happy. In my mind, I gave up everything for him to move here.  In my mind, I was the one who sacrificed more.

Yes, this is all true but as time ticked along I came to learn that his employer did pull a fast one on him. Henry despised his job and from that point on, he was on what felt like the never-ending job search. A part of me felt bad for him.  The other part of me told him to suck it up.  This is what he initially wanted and he had to make the best of it. At times I felt guilty for being so hard on Henry about the move and his job. I wasn’t being the supportive wife. I was starting to be the resentful wife.

We shared several months together exploring what the new area had to offer and we did have good times too.  We laughed, we went out to eat – stuff like that.  Most of our time was spent eating dinner, on table trays in front of the television. There was not too much conversation going on and I’m not sure why.  I knew I was becoming increasingly unhappy and I was trying my best to not let it shine through.  But some things you just can’t hide.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I continued to work for my employer from home until the end of summer at which time I applied for and got unemployment compensation while looking for a permanent job in Tennessee.  Summer faded into autumn and I had the opportunity to go to Los Angeles, all expenses paid, to work for one week at a trade show.  My best friend, Tara presented me with this, I talked it over with Henry and off to L.A. I went.

Little did I know this trip would change my life forever.