‘I Believe My Future is Bigger Than My Past’

I do believe my future is bigger than my past.  As soon as I heard these words spoken by Steve Gleason in his documentary titled, Gleason, it struck a chord within me. There are so many times in life when we are so hyper-focused upon the mistakes we have made.  We focus upon our failed relationships, our lost opportunities and the should’ves, could’ves, would’ves.

Little do most people know that those moments in life when we feel our failures will completely ruin us, they can actually be blessings in disguise.  Did you ever stop to think that maybe a relationship failed because growth was completed by both people involved and a better, healthier relationship was waiting for each?  Each person experienced what they needed to in the relationship and now it was time to move on.  Or perhaps a lost opportunity was a door closing and even though it was horrendous to experience and go through, little did you know an amazing and more fulfilling opportunity was just around the corner.

It’s okay to live in the past for the sake of recognizing the lesson each situation you’ve experienced has provided for you and even to be grateful for those lessons. It’s why you’ve had those experiences, although at the time, when you’re going through it, it is the last thing you’re thinking about. The moments when you’re in it so deeply, you don’t even know what the light looks like at the end of the tunnel as you dig your way out of the darkness. You see, that’s the thing…that darn light.  In the moments of rock bottom, just see it, envision that light.  Even if the light that shines through for you is simply the size of a pinhole, at least it is there.  Truth?  It’s always been there because it resides within you. Once you begin to realize this, it makes putting one foot in front of the other a bit easier.

I believe my future is bigger than my past because I refuse to allow my past to define the direction of where I want to go in my life, who I want to have along for the journey, and the opportunities I have yet to experience.  Society tells us that you have to have your successes accomplished within a specific age range and I just don’t agree with that.  There is still much love to give and to receive, there is much that has yet to be accomplished, there is much to see, there is a lot of life to be lived and yes, there are even more lessons to be learned.

What we do need to take away from our past is what we have learned and to recognize the growth that has occurred. Use those lessons to be more aware of the actions you take moving forward so you’re able to make the right decisions for yourself to enjoy deeper, more fulfilling experiences.

Trolling

Being back in Tennessee with Henry was a nightmare.  I felt like I was constantly looking over my shoulder.  Henry would leave for work and then my mind wanted to know if there were there cameras in the house viewing my every move.  Paranoia was rearing its ugly head.  In my mind, I deserved to feel this way, but that didn’t stop me.  I continued to stay in touch with Mark.  It was nothing major but just knowing he was there to listen made me feel better.  I was fueling the fire for Henry to not trust me.  I know it was wrong, I do, but at the time I just didn’t care. I was in pure survival mode for my mental and emotional state.

Paranoia for Henry also set in as he came to me one morning before work and asked to see my phone.  You see, he had mentioned to me how a friend of his, who also cheated on his girlfriend, would allow his girlfriend to go through his phone and computer trolling through Facebook, phone calls received, phone calls dialed, etc.  You get the picture.  Henry presented this idea to me several times to which I ignored.  Until that morning when he bolted into the bedroom and demanded to see my phone and email.  My heart was pounding.  I was scared, I won’t lie.  Not of Henry, but of the possibility of him kicking me out.  I had no where to go and no money at the moment to leave. The phone numbers that I did not recognize, he would call to see who was on the other end.  He listened to voicemail messages, read emails and Facebook messages.  Then he flipped his lid when he noticed a post on Facebook…from Mark.  Just a post on his wall but nonetheless.   He could not believe we were friends on Facebook and asked me to immediately end it.  So I did.  Henry left for work.  I got in the shower and cried.

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It was during this time that I enrolled in certification for level 1 class in something brand new to me, Reiki.  Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by “laying on hands” and is based on the idea that an unseen “life force energy” flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. If one’s “life force energy” is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy (reiki.org).  During this long weekend of meditation, tears, and connecting with other women who I know were placed in this class on purpose via Source, I believe I have found something much grander than me.  This was the beginning of me being aware that I was indeed on my spiritual awakening journey toward enlightenment and it has forever metamorphosed me into the person I am today and into the spiritual being I strive to become.  The reiki shares my teacher would hold became my social outlet and my way to decompress from the intense stress I was dealing with on a daily basis.  I really believe it saved my life.



Home For Christmas

No matter how old I am, there is nothing like the feeling of being at home with my parents. It is 100% my safe zone.  I wanted to run, run, run and in my mind, being back home, I had escaped the matter at hand. Reality, however, would soon follow me when Henry arrived three days later.

It was Thursday evening and Henry was slated to arrive at my parent’s house at 4 a.m. Friday.  Any discussion I have had with Henry, while truthful (for the most part), at this point was to honestly tell him what he wanted to hear.  Was this the best thing to do?  No.  Why did I do this?  I was scared…of him, of us, of the present and the future.  I had given him my power.  It was his way or no way during this time.

I had numerous messaging conversations with Tara about this entire issue and about Henry.  Tara is my sister from another mister.  She knows me like the back of my hand; the good, the bad and the ugly yet through all of that, she still loves me as I love her. When Henry arrived at my parent’s home at 4 in the morning, he greeted the dogs and then was out in the living area for a period of time.

“Wake up.”

“Wake up!”

It was Henry.  He turned the light on as I looked at him in a confused state.  He backs up, takes his wedding ring off and throws it onto the bed toward me.

“I want a divorce.”  He said.

While I knew deep down this is what I ultimately wanted too, his behavior threw me for a loop.

“You left the computer on and I read your messaging conversation with Tara.”  He told me.

“How DARE you bash me like that to her,” he said, “I would NEVER in a million years talk about you that way to ANYONE!”

In truth, I cannot remember this conversation to 100% accuracy.  What I know is that I shared my feelings about Henry to Tara.  Did I mean ill will by it?  No.  I was venting, I was desperate and she was the only person, at the time, I felt I share everything with.  Did I intentionally bash him?  In my mind, no.  In his mind, yes.

I never intended to hurt Henry.  It was now something I felt I was doing over and over again.  I dealt him a crushing blow.  He left, in tears and drove to his parent’s house.  I felt like the worst human being ever to walk the Earth.

It was now 6 a.m.  Crying, I cracked the door to my parent’s room.  They asked me what was going on.

“We’re getting divorced.” I told them.

Merry effing Christmas.