When What You’re Seeking is NOT Seeking You…

Let’s face it, we can’t always have what we want.  There will be times in your life when the person you desire is just simply not desiring you back, hence what you’re seeking is not seeking you. This can be really devastating and at times quite difficult to get through and over.

Your mind can take over and begin to talk to you in a negative manner with thoughts of not being worthy enough of having someone you truly care about and then having that someone reciprocating in the same way.

Before you go into a downward spiral, consider these options.

Be True to You:

First and foremost, you matter.  Did you hear me? YOU MATTER! One of the best things you can do is to create distance between you and the other person.  Constant reminders of someone who is not feeling the same way about you will only crush your heart and continue the negative thoughts pouring in. Remove this person from your social media platforms (this way you can’t stalk them…because you know you want to). This will help with the urge to peek into their online life and what time they were last seen online. Remove anything from your personal space that reminds you of this person. Either give it back or throw it away (that might actually feel quite good).

Take Time for You:

Healing may be just what the doctor ordered. Consider treating yourself to a getaway.  No matter what your budget may be, you should be able to find a few days away somewhere suitable for you.  Get away with yourself somewhere so you can dive deep into you and release this person from your body, mind and soul.  It could give you a new perspective about yourself and where you want to go in your life. You may realize the person you need to be in a relationship with is YOU.  Get to know yourself again and this way when you’re ready and feeling amazing, the right person will be presented into your life and I can guarantee this person will be THAT MUCH MORE AMAZING than the one you have released.

Learn the Lesson(s):

Every relationship you encounter in your life is presented with lessons for you to learn.  You are both teacher and student to one another. Take reminders from the relationship or person and learn the lesson so you can move on and be even better for yourself. Then consider writing down what you want from a person in a relationship and what you want from the relationship itself.

 

Me, Myself and I – The Three Most Important People in Your Life

Self-worth.  The loss of it can have dramatic effects on how people view themselves in relationships and can often lead to being ‘stuck’ in unhealthy relationships from verbal and mental abuse, to physical and emotional abuse.  I’m going to be talking about women in this post because the majority of questions I get from my work as a Spiritual Advisor with PsychicTXT  are from women…mainly those in their twenties and thirties.

The questions I get from them are mostly about romance and the men they currently have or want in their lives. And each time I read a question from someone to help provide them with guidance, it truly pains my heart.  It takes all of my will to not reach through my cell phone to them to just hug and hold them.  Somewhere along the way they have lost their self-worth which truly is a sense of your value or worth as a person.  What I find happening is they are putting all of their energy into relationships and men who are not for their Highest Good.  The women feel if it is not this person then there will be no other man on the planet, in this lifetime, who will want them.  They are putting their value and worth in the opinion, the actions and words of the other person in the relationship.  This is not healthy and a guaranteed one way ticket to co-dependency.

I encounter many women in relationships whose boyfriend, spouse, or partner is treating them poorly and/or cheating on them. And I am asked if the guy will come back to them or what they have done to make the guy do these things (because heaven forbid someone take responsibility for their actions/words).  These relationships are making women question everything about themselves and why they are not good enough in the eyes of their partner. And it breaks my heart.

It all begins with self-love.  Self-love is the big trunk of the tree with self-worth, self-care, self-empowerment and all of the other selves being the branches that stretch out from the trunk.  The trunk needs to be solid with a firm foundation for the branches of the tree to survive.  If the foundation is not solid, the tree may crumble and take quite a long time to heal and become whole again.

How does one go about practicing self-love? My mom told me once, there are only three people I need be concerned with and that is Me, Myself and I. I will never forget her telling me this.  Although I learned many lessons from my personal experience, these three people always stay close to me…because Me, Myself and I IS me.

Setting boundaries in ALL relationships is one of the factors that go into self-love.  It’s important to do this so people know where you stand with them and they do not walk all over you. At times it is difficult to set boundaries (especially with loved ones) but once they are set (and limits will be tested in some cases), it’s important adhere to them.

Remember this, you teach people how to treat you from day one of an encounter.  If you allow someone to walk all over you from the beginning, they will continue to do so because you have not set the boundary with them. If you constantly give, give, give in the beginning of a relationship and are not receiving anything in return (an energy exchange), you will get burned out or worse yet, continue to give because that’s what’s expected from you. I have been there to the point of which something had to give or I was going to crack.  I had nothing left to give the person I was in a relationship with at the time and ended the relationship because I was no longer giving to myself.  Who was more important in this relationship?  Me.

If this sounds like you, I ask you this.  Get a notebook or journal.  Write down ten ways you will practice self-love. If ten is too many, do five.  Here are a few examples of ways you can practice self-love:

  1. Take time for rest and relaxation
  2. Buy yourself flowers
  3. Treat yourself to a massage
  4. Organize something you have been putting off (organization helps reduce stress which is self love)
  5. Light candles, put on your favorite music and cozy up with a great book

These are pretty easy things you can do for yourself that do not cost a lot of money.

If you are interested in learning more about how I can assist you via coaching in practicing self-love with my creation of the Exploration of the Selves, touch base with me at my website: www.StephanieDeni.com

The Power From Within

No matter what kind of relationship you have with someone, people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  In other words, it’s not just some chance encounter as nothing is ever coincidence. They are there to be your teacher so you can learn whatever lesson(s) you need to learn.  And believe it or not, you’re doing the exact same thing for them.

This got me thinking about the men that I had dated during my life and my marriage which ended officially (documents and all) in June 2017.  As I was thinking about each relationship, I noticed one common thread that was sewn throughout each one.

I gave my power away…

…to every man I was in a serious relationship with since college.

I gave my power away.  I gave my power away.  I gave my power away.

To me, this screams self-worth issues, abandonment issues (fear of losing them), and I certainly had very low self-love and actually zero self-confidence. Some of these relationships would be considered emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive, not to mention controlling and manipulative.

Thinking about this breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes as I can’t believe I allowed myself to be treated in this fashion. I did not stand up for myself and if I did, I knew I would be on the receiving end of someone screaming at me and gas lighting me. If you’re not familiar with the term gas lighting, according to google dictionary:

manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.

Isn’t that fucked up?  Just so you’re aware, this is a VERY common thing, so if you’re in a relationship where you feel this is occurring (whether you’re male or female), know that is it NOT right, NOT healthy and a form of mental abuse.

When I gave my power away, I found that I was fearful about speaking up for how I was truly feeling with specific situations. I would go along with what my partner ultimately wanted and since I was a people-pleaser their happiness always came before my own. If I did not want to do something, I would still do it…always wanting to please and then feeling like shit afterward.

I was always putting my partner first and 100% completely undermining my needs, my wants, my values, my morals, my worth, my love and my very own self-respect. Yes, there is such a thing as putting others before you, but you must know to do so without jeopardizing your own identity.  In trying to fix, to help, to rescue others, I lost myself in the process.

If you’ve ever flown on an airplane before, what do the flight attendants always tell you about the oxygen masks?

Place YOUR mask on YOU FIRST, then assist others. 

You can’t be something to someone if you aren’t something to yourself first. Learn to trust yourself.  Learn to listen to your inner guidance system because it will never steer you in the wrong direction.  It’s what most people refer to as ‘your gut.’  What does your gut tell you?  It’s time you started to listen to it because THAT is where your power lies.

 

 

 

Time to Lay it Down

Few really truly know me. Even less actually ‘get’ me.  And by getting me, I mean know the true essence of who I am, what I stand for, what I believe in…what makes me tick…on the soul level.

Perhaps I have not let many in to be able to fully reveal myself. I’m aware that I do this as a defense mechanism for fear of being judged, not accepted or approved of. I’ve struggled with this my entire life.

Throughout my life I’ve been a people pleaser; always seeking to make others happy so they are not disappointed in me.  This behavior occurred in my relationships ranging from family to friends to my ‘romantic’ relationships. I’ve recognized this pattern of behavior within myself a few years ago.  I’m aware of it, yet at times it still rears it’s ugly head to challenge me to break the pattern. I no longer want to care what others think of my choices, decisions, my way of thinking, my spiritual beliefs. I no longer want to care what others think of me.  I am no longer seeking approval for the choices and decisions I make for myself.  I always respect the opinions of others, however my feeling is if someone does not agree with something I say, do or feel, that is on them, that is not on me.  It is no longer a burden of responsibility that I am willing to carry as it has gotten too heavy to bear and I am laying it down.

I am a deeply sensitive being. Like a badge of honor, I wear my emotions on my sleeve for the world to see.  I not only feel what I feel, most times, I also feel what you feel. My heart overflows with a sense of responsibility to care for many; to be the Light that shines in your moment of darkness.  Yet, at times, I too seek to find that Light in my moments of darkness.

Behind the closed doors in the sacred sanctuary of my apartment I cry with you, I smile with you, I hurt with you and I laugh with you. Tears are shed…a release. Releasing the emotions that I feel, is such a good, healthy thing to do because I simply don’t want them to get rooted within me. Many do not understand this and many never will.

I am a positive, kind person who does my best to see the good in people and situations.  Having a positive perspective on life can be difficult at times as I am human, just like you.  I have my own dragons to slay and some just don’t understand this. I share my outlooks with others in hopes it will help them for a moment in their day and perhaps they will, in turn, pay it forward.  It only has to begin with one person.  My perspective is, if I help one person, animal, etc, it will have a ripple effect and the gesture is much grander in the big picture then in the actual moment.

The journey I have been on since I moved to North Carolina has not been easy.  It has been an introspective map leading me to have met the most beautiful people, experience amazing moments, and it has allowed me to find out who I am and what I want from my life. Now at forty-four years young, I am beginning to understand who I really am and what my soul’s purpose is.

As I move forward, one foot in front of the other, I grow into the human that I was meant to become in this lifetime. Not everyone will understand and that is okay.  At times, I don’t even understand and in those moments I pause, take a deep breath, ask for Guidance, trust and continue with my journey.

 

Trolling

Being back in Tennessee with Henry was a nightmare.  I felt like I was constantly looking over my shoulder.  Henry would leave for work and then my mind wanted to know if there were there cameras in the house viewing my every move.  Paranoia was rearing its ugly head.  In my mind, I deserved to feel this way, but that didn’t stop me.  I continued to stay in touch with Mark.  It was nothing major but just knowing he was there to listen made me feel better.  I was fueling the fire for Henry to not trust me.  I know it was wrong, I do, but at the time I just didn’t care. I was in pure survival mode for my mental and emotional state.

Paranoia for Henry also set in as he came to me one morning before work and asked to see my phone.  You see, he had mentioned to me how a friend of his, who also cheated on his girlfriend, would allow his girlfriend to go through his phone and computer trolling through Facebook, phone calls received, phone calls dialed, etc.  You get the picture.  Henry presented this idea to me several times to which I ignored.  Until that morning when he bolted into the bedroom and demanded to see my phone and email.  My heart was pounding.  I was scared, I won’t lie.  Not of Henry, but of the possibility of him kicking me out.  I had no where to go and no money at the moment to leave. The phone numbers that I did not recognize, he would call to see who was on the other end.  He listened to voicemail messages, read emails and Facebook messages.  Then he flipped his lid when he noticed a post on Facebook…from Mark.  Just a post on his wall but nonetheless.   He could not believe we were friends on Facebook and asked me to immediately end it.  So I did.  Henry left for work.  I got in the shower and cried.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It was during this time that I enrolled in certification for level 1 class in something brand new to me, Reiki.  Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by “laying on hands” and is based on the idea that an unseen “life force energy” flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. If one’s “life force energy” is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy (reiki.org).  During this long weekend of meditation, tears, and connecting with other women who I know were placed in this class on purpose via Source, I believe I have found something much grander than me.  This was the beginning of me being aware that I was indeed on my spiritual awakening journey toward enlightenment and it has forever metamorphosed me into the person I am today and into the spiritual being I strive to become.  The reiki shares my teacher would hold became my social outlet and my way to decompress from the intense stress I was dealing with on a daily basis.  I really believe it saved my life.