Few really truly know me. Even less actually ‘get’ me. And by getting me, I mean know the true essence of who I am, what I stand for, what I believe in…what makes me tick…on the soul level.
Perhaps I have not let many in to be able to fully reveal myself. I’m aware that I do this as a defense mechanism for fear of being judged, not accepted or approved of. I’ve struggled with this my entire life.
Throughout my life I’ve been a people pleaser; always seeking to make others happy so they are not disappointed in me. This behavior occurred in my relationships ranging from family to friends to my ‘romantic’ relationships. I’ve recognized this pattern of behavior within myself a few years ago. I’m aware of it, yet at times it still rears it’s ugly head to challenge me to break the pattern. I no longer want to care what others think of my choices, decisions, my way of thinking, my spiritual beliefs. I no longer want to care what others think of me. I am no longer seeking approval for the choices and decisions I make for myself. I always respect the opinions of others, however my feeling is if someone does not agree with something I say, do or feel, that is on them, that is not on me. It is no longer a burden of responsibility that I am willing to carry as it has gotten too heavy to bear and I am laying it down.
I am a deeply sensitive being. Like a badge of honor, I wear my emotions on my sleeve for the world to see. I not only feel what I feel, most times, I also feel what you feel. My heart overflows with a sense of responsibility to care for many; to be the Light that shines in your moment of darkness. Yet, at times, I too seek to find that Light in my moments of darkness.
Behind the closed doors in the sacred sanctuary of my apartment I cry with you, I smile with you, I hurt with you and I laugh with you. Tears are shed…a release. Releasing the emotions that I feel, is such a good, healthy thing to do because I simply don’t want them to get rooted within me. Many do not understand this and many never will.
I am a positive, kind person who does my best to see the good in people and situations. Having a positive perspective on life can be difficult at times as I am human, just like you. I have my own dragons to slay and some just don’t understand this. I share my outlooks with others in hopes it will help them for a moment in their day and perhaps they will, in turn, pay it forward. It only has to begin with one person. My perspective is, if I help one person, animal, etc, it will have a ripple effect and the gesture is much grander in the big picture then in the actual moment.
The journey I have been on since I moved to North Carolina has not been easy. It has been an introspective map leading me to have met the most beautiful people, experience amazing moments, and it has allowed me to find out who I am and what I want from my life. Now at forty-four years young, I am beginning to understand who I really am and what my soul’s purpose is.
As I move forward, one foot in front of the other, I grow into the human that I was meant to become in this lifetime. Not everyone will understand and that is okay. At times, I don’t even understand and in those moments I pause, take a deep breath, ask for Guidance, trust and continue with my journey.