Home For Christmas

No matter how old I am, there is nothing like the feeling of being at home with my parents. It is 100% my safe zone.  I wanted to run, run, run and in my mind, being back home, I had escaped the matter at hand. Reality, however, would soon follow me when Henry arrived three days later.

It was Thursday evening and Henry was slated to arrive at my parent’s house at 4 a.m. Friday.  Any discussion I have had with Henry, while truthful (for the most part), at this point was to honestly tell him what he wanted to hear.  Was this the best thing to do?  No.  Why did I do this?  I was scared…of him, of us, of the present and the future.  I had given him my power.  It was his way or no way during this time.

I had numerous messaging conversations with Tara about this entire issue and about Henry.  Tara is my sister from another mister.  She knows me like the back of my hand; the good, the bad and the ugly yet through all of that, she still loves me as I love her. When Henry arrived at my parent’s home at 4 in the morning, he greeted the dogs and then was out in the living area for a period of time.

“Wake up.”

“Wake up!”

It was Henry.  He turned the light on as I looked at him in a confused state.  He backs up, takes his wedding ring off and throws it onto the bed toward me.

“I want a divorce.”  He said.

While I knew deep down this is what I ultimately wanted too, his behavior threw me for a loop.

“You left the computer on and I read your messaging conversation with Tara.”  He told me.

“How DARE you bash me like that to her,” he said, “I would NEVER in a million years talk about you that way to ANYONE!”

In truth, I cannot remember this conversation to 100% accuracy.  What I know is that I shared my feelings about Henry to Tara.  Did I mean ill will by it?  No.  I was venting, I was desperate and she was the only person, at the time, I felt I share everything with.  Did I intentionally bash him?  In my mind, no.  In his mind, yes.

I never intended to hurt Henry.  It was now something I felt I was doing over and over again.  I dealt him a crushing blow.  He left, in tears and drove to his parent’s house.  I felt like the worst human being ever to walk the Earth.

It was now 6 a.m.  Crying, I cracked the door to my parent’s room.  They asked me what was going on.

“We’re getting divorced.” I told them.

Merry effing Christmas.

Change is Coming: January 2014-October 2014

To Tennessee.

Where we knew no one.

Henry moved first to begin his job and I soon followed.  I was not yet 24 hours in lovely, hot Tennessee when at the pool, enjoying a relaxing day, Henry tells me that he thinks he made a mistake and is going to start looking for a new job elsewhere…preferably something a bit closer to home.

What the fuck?  Did he really say what I thought he did?  Did I NOT just move a couple hundreds of miles from everything and everyone that I knew; from a great paying job, from EVERYTHING?!  I’ve barely had one sleep in Tennessee and this bomb gets dropped on me.

I was not happy. In my mind, I gave up everything for him to move here.  In my mind, I was the one who sacrificed more.

Yes, this is all true but as time ticked along I came to learn that his employer did pull a fast one on him. Henry despised his job and from that point on, he was on what felt like the never-ending job search. A part of me felt bad for him.  The other part of me told him to suck it up.  This is what he initially wanted and he had to make the best of it. At times I felt guilty for being so hard on Henry about the move and his job. I wasn’t being the supportive wife. I was starting to be the resentful wife.

We shared several months together exploring what the new area had to offer and we did have good times too.  We laughed, we went out to eat – stuff like that.  Most of our time was spent eating dinner, on table trays in front of the television. There was not too much conversation going on and I’m not sure why.  I knew I was becoming increasingly unhappy and I was trying my best to not let it shine through.  But some things you just can’t hide.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I continued to work for my employer from home until the end of summer at which time I applied for and got unemployment compensation while looking for a permanent job in Tennessee.  Summer faded into autumn and I had the opportunity to go to Los Angeles, all expenses paid, to work for one week at a trade show.  My best friend, Tara presented me with this, I talked it over with Henry and off to L.A. I went.

Little did I know this trip would change my life forever.

You’ll Know…You’ll Just Know

I had the purest of intentions on my wedding day. I wanted to get married and I wanted to marry Henry.  It was a dream day full of the most joy I have ever felt in my life.  We were surrounded by the most important people in our lives.  It was a day of love to the fullest extent.

It wasn’t until a few years later that became aware of feeling differently about Henry.  When these moments rose up, they scared me and I would simply ignore them.  How could this be?  We met and married four year later and here I was a year or so later feeling…holy shit, feeling doubt? Things he used to do that I found cute or funny were no longer cute or funny to me.

The red flags began to wave very high during this time as I no longer wanted to be intimate with Henry. In some ways I just wanted to ignore what was happening but you just can’t out run the truth. I could not turn my head from this feeling. And when we were intimate, I just went through the motions so it would be over. I didn’t kiss him the same way, I didn’t look at him the same way, and I realized I didn’t love him the same way either.  What the hell was happening?

On several occasions Henry would ask me about my level of attraction toward him because he too was aware.  I lied. I flat out lied to him, and to me.  I was not being true to myself and I certainly was not speaking my truth. Who was I to speak my truth?  I was scared.  So scared of Henry’s reaction to all of this. So scared of the repercussions if I did tell him.  Fear…living in so much fear.  This is not a good space to be in.

Things became too comfortable, we took each other for granted and never really fully appreciated one another.  I felt as if I was always second choice to his work.  I was sick and tired of picking up after both of us, cooking, cleaning, just EVERYTHING.  I remember saying to myself a few times, ‘If this is how it’s going to be for the rest of my life, I’m in trouble.’ And I was.

And while there is much to discuss about my relationship with Henry PRE-wedding, I want to begin in the January of 2014.

Let’s go back, shall we?

Bah, Bah Blacksheep

I’ve considered myself the black sheep in my immediate and extended family for many, many years.  I adore the only sibling I have…my brother, but we couldn’t be more different.  He sees things in black and white and I see things in every single shade of gray.  I would like to lump my three cousins into my sibling category.  And yet, even as the second oldest of the five of us, I still feel very odd woman out.

Everyone has thriving careers and has had them for many years.  Growing up, I remember having a knowing of what each one of them would do for a living. Art, politics, engineering, pharmacology…and then there was me. I entered college as a theater major and exited with a degree in Fashion Merchandising. Only to now be making a living in sales and fundraising.  It’s funny how that works out.

I was the last out of the five to get married at the ripe age of 38…and I am the first to get divorced at the riper age of 43.

While I know the choices that I have made within and about my marriage were and are the very best choices for me, I still cannot help but to feel I am such a disappointment to my family. A disappointment not just with this, but throughout my life with different choices I have made.  My parents are the most amazing, supportive people on the planet and quite frankly, the most important people in my life.  They have never uttered these words to me.

When you separate from someone and eventually divorce not only do you grieve and feel sadness but if your family members were close to your significant other, they will also be going through their own grieving process.  This was the case with both of my parents but more so with my dad. When I was home over Christmas and recently separated, I remember my dad being very sulky one evening.  He was quiet at the dinner table and then just went into the bedroom to watch the news.  There was definite tension and while I understood what was going on, I was feeling that my dad was just so not happy with me.  I walked into the bedroom and asked him what was wrong.  I knew he was sad.  Then with tears rolling down my cheeks, I asked the question…’Dad, are you disappointed in me?’ He told me no, he was not.  He was just very sad.  100% understandable.

These feelings I have about this situation are mine and my alone and I know I have to work them out and forgive myself for feeling this way.

As my teacher always says, ‘It’s an inside job.’

The Story of Milo

Along with my messages and my own thoughts, I am feeling it is time to tell Milo’s story and how he has changed me forever. I will be posting his journey, more specifically his journey with cancer so that I may share my love for him, his love for me and my love for you allowing me to pass along the information I have learned when you hear those awful and dreaded words…’Your dog has cancer.’ It is my hopes that I will be able to help those dog parents who just don’t know what to do.

This is Milo’s story.

Milo and Boris were always thick as thieves.  Especially as younger pups.  They would always play and frolic together as well as snuggle together when resting.  They have always gone together like peas and carrots, peanut butter and jelly…salt and pepper. I can honestly say I cannot fathom my life without both of them physically in it.  And I know that will be a reality in my not too distant future.

Coming to this truth has not been easy for me.  In fact, a part of me still wishes the three of us will all die together in this life (at the same time).  Not one before the other, before the other.

I know we as humans have such a difficult time with the death of a loved one.  I know Milo will be with me forever, even in Spirit, but at times, it is hard to accept.

It still doesn’t make it any easier as I’m strolling down memory lane. Milo and Boris would get into everything together.  Milo would be the brains of the operation while Boris would be the distractor.

So when I would come home and there would be ‘stuff’ strewn all over my floor from Milo counter surfing, Boris would OVERLY greet me with JOYOUS cries of relief that I was home.  That would be until I found the mess…but Boris would carry on even louder at that point all the while ‘protecting’ his brother.

As younger dogs they would wrestle like crazy mad!  At first it would scare the daylights out of me as it sounded like there was a serious fight going on…but there wasn’t.  Just two dogs playing like dogs.

They played this way for a very long time.  It wasn’t until a little less than two years ago we noticed a difference in the play.  Milo just did not want to any longer. Boris would playfully attack him and Milo just sits.  I personally feel it is just Milo can’t handle Boris jumping on him any more.  It breaks my heart because I will always remember them as two young, vivacious creatures full of life and energy.  And now we’ve practically come full circle.  My heart is full of love because I am the blessed one having them in my life.

Please enjoy more photos:

A Message for All

The world is in challenging times. SO much is going on that appears to be real yet it is all an illusion and all are players in the big game. We are coming together more to assist the Lightworkers to harmoniously raise the vibration of each other and the planet. In times of strife, don’t fear we are always with you. Know you are loved, child.

Your life is not a mistake and everything falls together like a glorious puzzle each piece fitting intricately together in glorious perfection.

Lighten up and have fun.

 

The Story of Milo

Along with my messages and my own thoughts, I am feeling it is time to tell Milo’s story and how he has changed me forever.  I will be posting his journey, more specifically his journey with cancer so that I may share my love for him, his love for me and my love for you allowing me to pass along the information I have learned when you hear those awful and dreaded words…’Your dog has cancer.’  It is my hopes that I will be able to help those dog parents who just don’t know what to do.

This is Milo’s story.

Milo meandered his way into my heart little by little, moment by moment until his paw prints made so many indentations, you could not tell one memory apart from the other.  I kept my promise to him to be the best Mom and guardian I could be and do anything I could within my power to take care of him and love him…just the way he is.

And in turn, he has taught me so many lessons.  Lessons on patience, love, pin pointed focus, humor and determination just to name a few. Some of these lessons seem very on the surface and they were.  They were quite obvious.  Others, ran as deep as my soul and would not be brought into my awareness until much later.

I want to share one of those moments with you.  What I am about to share is from the amazing animal communicator, Diane Jackson from www.AnimalMessengers.com.

In early December, I had the chance to ask Milo a few questions through Diane.  This is what transpired.

‘When I first called Milo, he stepped forward and Boris came with him. Boris wanted to know if he could talk too.  I told him that him that he was more than welcome to chime in anytime. Boris said he often likes to be the comedian because Milo can get too serious about things. (Although Milo says he has a great comedic sense too). Milo might not show it outwardly but inwardly he is concerned about taking care of everything and everybody. Although that can be a huge responsibility, Milo wouldn’t have it any other way. He is proud of the way he does his ‘job’.  The problem is taking on too much emotional and energetic responsibility can be difficult for a physical body to process.  Milo says he really likes being the keeper of the energies in the household. He feels that it is an important part of his purpose in being with his family. Boris said he thinks that we should all help Milo understand that no one expects him to take all that on.  He said, “Me and Mom just want Milo to he happy and healthy.”

Question: Your Mom Wants to Know How You Are Feeling?

‘Truthfully, I am kind of frustrated. I need for my body to be stronger and it just doesn’t seem to be able to keep up with all the work I do. (What kind of work are you talking about?) I am responsible for the emotional well-being of everyone in my family. I worry about them a lot and I often feel that I really can’t help them as much as I want to. I came to this family with a commitment to anchor peace and stability in our home environment. That can take a lot of physical and emotional energy. My heart and mind are fully up to the job. But my body, unfortunately, seems to pay a price for all the energies I so willingly take on.’

Question: Are You In Any Pain?

‘I have some minor physical discomfort. But I really try not to focus on that. My discomfort comes from a place of emotional distress when I feel like I can’t balance the energies the way I think they should be. I try to keep a lot of my distress to myself, because my Mom worries about me enough as it is. I only want her to feel happy all the time.’

Question: Is There Anything That You Need or Want? Anything Else You Want Your Mom to Know?

‘Yes! My Mom worries too much about me and Boris. She tries so hard to give us everything we need. Sometimes she gives too much. She prioritizes for others way more than she does for herself. One of the many lessons I am teaching her is about the importance of loving yourself and having good emotional boundaries. Good boundaries can be hard when you really love those you are in relationship with. I am a good example of over-giving and not having those boundaries. Although my heart is in the right place, I simply take on too much. I have no regrets about that though. I am a constant mirror of important information for my Mom and for Boris. The real lesson is about finding true alignment in all aspects of your Being. That means all the various energetic and emotional systems are working harmoniously with one another. When the body comes up with an illness, it is only the body’s way of communicating that something needs attention. There is always an emotional correlation with the physical issue. So it is important to address the core issue at the room of the physical problem. That often means sniffing out any places where emotions are hiding and set them free. I have been very good out sniffing out, but not always great at setting the emotions free. So you can see that I am the consummate teacher of many important life lessons. My Mom needs to know that all I do is out of my infinite love for her.’

Question: Boris, Are You Going to be Okay When Milo Transitions to the Heavenly Realms?

‘I am much stronger than my Mom thinks I am. I tend to stay in Milo’s shadow a bit right now because I know that my doing that is important for him right now. He needs to feel that he is the leader and that he is doing a great job. Of course I miss my friend when he leaves, but I also know that he will still be with us – just not in his dog suit. I will admit that I would like a new friend to play with at some point when my Mom is ready. Milo said he doesn’t want us hanging around grieving his loss. He said he will come back in a different dog suit. He said that Mom will know it’s him when she sees him.  He will give Mom a look that will give her the shivers.’

Milo’s beautiful reading was read out loud in a room of about 15-20 people.  Most of them had tears in their eyes upon the end of the reading, myself included.

Milo only goes to prove to me, yet again, what a wise, old soul he is.

The Story of Milo

Along with my messages and my own thoughts, I am feeling it is time to tell Milo’s story and how he has changed me forever.  I will be posting his journey, more specifically his journey with cancer so that I may share my love for him, his love for me and my love for you allowing me to pass along the information I have learned when you hear those awful and dreaded words…’Your dog has cancer.’  It is my hopes that I will be able to help those dog parents who just don’t know what to do.

This is Milo’s story.

Three months into our newly adopted status, I was beginning to think we had made a grave error in adopting Milo.  I’ve never had the experience of being the guardian for a true hound dog and was in unchartered territory.  This dog was a nut job.  Truly.

Then I had the lightbulb moment.

He was adopted by someone before we adopted him and then returned.  When I called to find out the reason(s) Milo was returned, I was told it was for behavior issues.  Okay, this made sense to me.  Clearly, the person who adopted him was in the same boat I was finding myself in.  But I was different.  I was going to take the time it was needed to help Milo with his behavior and allow Milo to truly shine as the amazing creature he is.  He just needed a chance and I was not going to give up on him as someone else did.

So we took classes with professionals and practiced…a lot!  I trained him on my own as well, teaching him amazing tricks because this one…oh my, THIS one was smart.  Incredibly smart.

His hound-ness embodied his essence and his nose to ground tracking abilities were astonishing to be witness to. For when he got on a scent, he was in heaven doing exactly what he his breed was born to do.  Track and hunt.

There were moments we would look at Milo as he was lounging and note that he belonged on the cover of Fox and Hound Magazine.  He is such a magnificent creature to watch.  His musculature, his stature, his charisma, his humor, his personality, his knowing, his loving will never in a million years be matched by another.

Milo is truly an angel sent to me by God.  It wasn’t until recent events transpired that I really, REALLY understood what this all meant.  With one look of his eyes into mine, I see the depth of a soul so wise and so knowing.  With one look of his eyes into mine, I hear the questions he is asking of me.  With one look of his eyes into mine, I feel his unconditional, pure love for me…just as I have for him.

With one look of his eyes into mine, I am home.

The Story of Milo

Along with my messages and my own thoughts, I am feeling it is time to tell Milo’s story and how he has changed me forever.  I will be posting his journey, more specifically his journey with cancer so that I may share my love for him, his love for me and my love for you allowing me to pass along the information I have learned when you hear those awful and dreaded words…’Your dog has cancer.’  It is my hopes that I will be able to help those dog parents who just don’t know what to do.

This is Milo’s story.

When animals enter your life and join you as a companion for however many years we are lucky enough to have them on this Earth, one more than likely believes you’re saving the animal.  True, yes you are in many ways, especially if you are adopting/rescuing.  My experience with my dogs has led me to believe likewise, for they have truly rescued me in more ways than one.  Each and every one of them.

When my Bosco passed away in 2008, I thought I, myself, might also die from the heartache and grief  I was experiencing.  The house was just so quiet.  The energy was different, so very different.  It was just three months later we decided to start seeking out shelters and rescues to see what we could find.  Little did we know stepping foot onto the property of LaMancha Animal Rescue on a summer day in 2008 would change our lives forever.

A former horse farm, this rescue was so beautiful with stables and barns and pastures abound.  We were quickly led to the puppy area where I met Boris for the first time and knew we were meant to be.  But then we decided to go to the older dog area where dogs one year and older were waiting to find their forever home.

We came upon a stall that was empty but the name card read ‘Socks’ (Milo).  And the breed mix was a hound/great dane mix.  Then he came prancing in.  With a red coat and white underbelly, this very thin dog just did not seem to be enjoying his stay.  We were definitely interested in spending some time with ‘Socks’ and learned in order for us to adopt both dogs, we had to walk them together in the fenced enclosure to make sure they got along.   And they sure did.

With the paperwork filled out and no, and I mean NO dog or puppy supplies, we loaded them into our car for a new life of adventures and memories.

And that is how we all met.

Milo came to be Milo and not Socks all because we wanted to name him Baxter.  We had a Bosco who passed, a cat name Bug, the puppy was named Boris and therefore we wanted to continue with the alliteration of names.  It wasn’t until I started reading Milo’s vet records that I realized he had been adopted out and returned and that the patient’s name on the records I was reading was Milo…not Socks.

We put it to a test.  Todd was slated with called him Baxter to see how he would respond and I was slated with calling him Milo.  He was not responding to Baxter yet as soon as I called out Milo, he turned his head so quickly you could have felt the breeze.

Milo it was, Milo it is, Milo it will forever be.

A Message for All

Your life’s lesson is boundaries. It will come in different forms and packages. Use your discernment to recognize the lesson and do not be so quick to just let anyone in. Speak your truth about your feelings. Do so in a kind and gentle way as others are learning from you too.

Where there is oneness the heart is open. You are not separate but at times you think you are.  That is the ego. Release and forgive. Heal from the lessons in your past so you can easily move forward along your path. The path toward enlightenment. Rest assured you have all that you need within you. Don’t be so quick to seek, seek, seek when the answers are in your heart. Connect to your heart every single day and the only person you shall seek is yourself.

Trust what you are getting, for it is real. Release doubt and self-judgement. Purpose, purpose, purpose…be purposeful. And dare to dream. No one can put out the light that is in your heart, Dear One. In fact, they are all drawn to it. A moth to the flame.

Be still, be silent and listen.

As so it is.